Shadow Sojourner: An Internal Battle for Self-Actualization

 About three weeks into doing this shadow work exercise, I started having more and more lucid dreams. There have been a couple of dreams with my mom watching my progress with cautious optimism and offering an encouraging hug. Before her passing, I opened up to her about the civil war brewing within my consciousness. She advised me to be cautious when dealing with my own shadow, just as she did when I was a child. Concerned by my aggressive tone, she advised me, “Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.” Which, I'm ashamed to admit, made me laugh, at first. I honestly don't know how that ever became of a figure of speech. The sad thing is, it's been one hell of a procedure, applying this to my persona, but it is fitting imagery. What would I be without the persona I'd worn since birth. Is it even possible to remove yourself from the mask placed onto you as a child? I think this is why I was so keen to become a performer. Since I felt like I could never take that ...

When I was a child, I had had a difficult time controlling my thoughts. When I'd close my eyes at night I'd start seeing this wall of sanctimonious eyeballs staring back at me, waiting to pounce the moment I did or thought something disagreeable. My mother spent a lot of time with me training me how to visualize and take control of my mind so I could sleep at night. “Visualize a giant garbage can in the middle of a stage, and take a large broom and sweep the eyes into the trash.” This would get rid of the eyes temporarily, but it wasn't until I imagined myself taking them on aggressively that they finally left me alone. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I imagined throwing knives and bombs at my eyeball wall like a cartoon, but it worked. It made me laugh, and I could finally relax and fall asleep. At age 11 that feeling of unrelenting shame came back, triggered by a game at recess that had gotten out of hand. It was towards the end of the school year when thi...

Continuing down the rabbit hole, the Jungian personality archetype of the trickster really stuck out for me. Although I'd like to say I have a large range of character and I can take on any role, the trickster has always been a favorite of mine. Looking back again to my elementary school years. There was an ever changing hierarchy at recess. I grew up on Leprechaun Lane, and my high school colors were green and gold. The founders of Kearns were pretty obsessed with treasure I guess. Maybe I can tie that into my personality somehow. I was never the fastest kid, or the biggest, or the first in line alphabetically when it was time to line up for lunch. I knew I never would be, but what I really aimed for was to be the kid with the most charm, as in Lucky Charms, my unofficial sponsor for today's memory. See it does tie in! BUT, there's a problem with charm it can quickly becomes annoying, and distracting, and even menacing. I remember the closest I ever came to death was ri...